4 years to 50

Today was my birthday.

This whole obsession with 50 started with my brother calling from Rome, where he lives.

"Hey, I called to wish you a happy birthday a day earlier.  How old are you going to be?" "46." "Oh my God, your old."  "I know.  But I don't feel 46." (Whatever the fuck 46 feels like.) "I know! That's what's so weird about it."  "I know."  "The other thing about being 46, your only 4 years from 50!"  "I know!"

So, for 2 days I've been obsessed with 50. I know, let go of 50 for god's sake your only 46. I know 50 is 4 years away and projecting that far out into the future goes against every principle I know and love. And yet, I can't seem to shake it. I can't seem to shake the fact that 50 is around the corner,  but I feel 25.

I have two kids. Fourteen and eleven. Frankly, I wonder all the time if their mine.  I watch TV with my son or go shopping with my daughter and I wonder when the real parents are going to come home and pay me so I can go party with my friends. There are so many things as a mother I feel like I might be missing because of "Aren't I just the baby sitter?" Syndrome.  Like when I tell my son to get off the computer and go out side and play, and he stares back at me with that freaky stare he gets when he's been doing non-stop quests for 6 hours, like I might just be a giant troll from his game who is set on destroying his life and he wants to just zap me with his super powered laser vision. And I can tell we are not speaking the same language, so I try again to see if I can muster some authority, and tell him to go outside, and he rolls his eyes and goes back to battling giant scorpions with his cape and sword, and I just pick up the remote and turn on Oprah.  


I will get off of the 50 thing, because everybody knows 50 is the new 40, and 40 is the new 30, etc, etc, etc. I am going to get up tomorrow and forget that I am 46. Until about a month before my birthday next year, when I start telling everybody I am 47, just so I can get used to saying "47."  Then I will grab my cape and sword and battle the giant scorpions.